Curiosity Over Commands

Meagan Ledendecker • August 11, 2025

Imagine the scene. A young child is trying to get comfortable for a car ride, but nothing seems right. Parents (and maybe even siblings) try to help. However, with each suggestion, the child becomes increasingly upset and overwhelmed.

When we see that our children are getting frustrated, often our immediate response is to offer help, usually in the form of advice: “Try this.” “Do that.” “Just calm down.” While our intentions are good, our children’s responses tend not to be positive. Depending upon the situation, they may get more overwhelmed, respond with resistance, or even shut down.

Advice, even when helpful, isn’t always what’s needed in the moment. What often works better (with children and even adults!) is a different kind of support, one that builds connection and trust, rather than pressure.

The Power of Curiosity Questions

In the Positive Discipline approach, this alternative is known as curiosity questions. Rather than imposing solutions (think of this as “you should” kind of advice), these questions are designed to invite children into the problem-solving process. Curiosity questions shift the dynamic from a command-and-control approach to one of collaboration.

Here are a few examples of curiosity questions:

“What’s happening?”
“What would you like to have happen?”
“How can I help?”

By asking instead of telling, we can give our children space to think, feel, and take ownership. Their brains remain engaged in a calm, reflective state rather than flipping into fight-or-flight mode. Even more importantly, children start to feel capable because their ideas and feelings are valued.

Why This Matters

Moments of frustration or challenge are inevitable. Whether it’s struggling with a seatbelt, navigating friendship dynamics, or facing academic pressures, children need tools to navigate those moments, and we need ways to guide without overwhelming them.

Curiosity questions do more than solve the problem at hand. They:

Build emotional resilience
Strengthen communication skills
Cultivate problem-solving and independence
Foster mutual respect

When we ask questions instead of rushing in with answers, we step out of the pressure to “fix” everything. We create connection instead of conflict.

A Simple Shift

Imagine a different response on that car ride. Instead of “You should move your backpack,” or “Just unbuckle and redo the seatbelt,” or “Take a deep breath and calm down,” what if the question had been, “What’s bothering you back there?” or “What would make things more comfortable?” The child may still have felt upset, but they would have been invited into the solution.

Key Principles

Using curiosity questions effectively, our tone, timing, and intent are critical. Keeping these core principles in mind will help immensely!

Be Genuinely Interested

When we ask questions, we want to make sure we don’t have a hidden agenda. Children are incredibly perceptive and can sense when a question is loaded or when it's a subtle way of getting them to do what we want. Curiosity questions are most powerful when they come from a place of authentic wonder and care. Ask because you want to understand their experience, not because you're trying to control it.

Create a Calm First

When children are in the middle of a meltdown, they aren’t able to process language-based information. If they (or we) are emotionally flooded, focus on calming and connection first. “I can see this is really frustrating. Let’s take a breath. We can talk about it when we’re both ready.” The focus, thus, is first on everyone feeling regulated.

Avoid Accusatory Language

Children are also incredibly sensitive to undertones of blame. Even well-meant questions can come across as judgmental if they're delivered with irritation, sarcasm, or disbelief. Focus on gathering information with empathy and openness. We want to avoid “Why did you…?” if it feels like an interrogation. Thus, it’s best to frame questions to understand.

Listen Actively

When a child answers a curiosity question, they’re offering a glimpse into their inner world. Pause. Make eye contact. Tune in with your full attention. Reflect back what you hear. Ask follow-up questions to deepen understanding. Active listening builds trust and strengthens the relationship. A good go-to question is, “Tell me more about that.”

Be Patient

Children—especially younger ones—often need time to process both the question and their thoughts. Thus, we want to avoid jumping in with another question or suggestion too quickly. Silence can be a powerful part of the process, giving our children time to think and respond.

For the Road Ahead

Curiosity questions are a cornerstone of respectful, connection-based parenting. We’ll face plenty of moments when instinct tells us to jump in and take control. However, sometimes the most empowering thing we can do is to slow down and get curious. With just a few simple questions, we can help our children feel calm, capable, and connected. In the process, we can also remind ourselves that guidance doesn’t always mean having all the answers.

To learn about more examples of effective and respectful guidance, schedule a time to visit our school!

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The Most Important Montessori Practice You Rarely Hear About

By Meagan Ledendecker • February 23, 2026

One of the quieter, less visible practices in a Montessori elementary classroom is the Child-Guide conference. You may never see it listed on a schedule or mentioned in a weekly update, yet it plays a profound role in children’s experience at school. Relationship Comes First The primary purpose of these conferences is to establish, maintain, and strengthen the relationship between the adult and each child. This focus shifts the dynamic from a teacher looking for faults or scolding about unfinished work. Rather, it’s a collegial conversation that enables children to take an active and engaged role in their own education. These connective conversations are grounded in relationship-building because when children feel emotionally safe and genuinely respected, they are far more willing to reflect, stretch themselves, and take responsibility for their growth. Every Child, as Often as They Need Montessori Guides aim to meet regularly with every child, but what “regularly” looks like can vary based on individual needs. Some children benefit from a longer, more formal conference every few weeks. Others need brief, frequent check-ins, sometimes lasting only a minute or two. These short moments might look like a quick conversation at the beginning of the morning, a gentle pause beside a table, or a quiet walk across the room together. The length of the meeting is not what matters. What is important is the message it sends: “I see you. I know your work. I care about how this is going for you.” What Happens in a Child-Guide Conference? While conferences vary based on each individual and the moment, they often include: The child bringing their learning journal or work (finished and unfinished) The guide bringing observational records A shared look at what has been accomplished Gentle reflection on what still feels unfinished Planning for what might come next Scheduling new lessons or presentations Support with larger projects: breaking them into steps, mapping timelines, imagining the finished product This collaborative time also provides an opportunity to experiment with new strategies (“Would you like to try creating a prioritized list?”), celebrate successes (“You worked so hard on your presentation! How did it feel to share your work?”), and reflect upon challenges (“It seems like you’ve been feeling a bit stuck in your research project. Tell me more about what is going on.”). Learning to Define “Finished” One of the most freeing lessons children learn in Montessori is that not every piece of work must be finished to an adult’s standard. Sometimes children accomplish exactly what they set out to do, and continuing would add nothing meaningful. Other times, interest has naturally ended, and letting go is healthy. This is not about lowering expectations. It is about honoring children’s internal sense of completion and learning when to release what no longer serves a purpose. Trusting Children’s Self-Assessment A cornerstone of these conferences is trust. Guides listen carefully to how children assess their own work and articulate their goals. When an adult truly accepts children’s self-assessment, something powerful happens: children begin to see themselves as capable, thoughtful, and worthy of being taken seriously. Children often receive more from the tone and sentiment of these meetings than from the actual content discussed. The Whole Child Matters Because Montessori education is concerned with the whole child, conferences may naturally move beyond academics. A Guide might gently offer support with social dynamics or ask about recent struggles during outdoor time. These moments provide a safe space for children to reflect on their own social, emotional, and physical development, and to recognize that there is a network of support. When Relationships Need Repair Even in the most thoughtful classrooms, relationships can become strained. What matters is how adults respond. It is never too late for a Guide to sit with a child and say, honestly: “I’ve been thinking about how we’ve been interacting recently, and I’d love to brainstorm with you about what I could do differently.” When an adult takes responsibility, without demanding the child do the same, something shifts. Trust begins to rebuild. Real dialogue becomes possible. Children learn from this modeling. In time, after they feel safe, they often step forward to take responsibility themselves. What Children Are Really Learning Through these quiet, intentional meetings, children learn that: their thoughts and feelings matter, adults can be trusted, mistakes are part of growth, reflection leads to independence, and relationships can be repaired. And while these conferences may happen quietly in a corner of the classroom, their impact echoes far beyond it. This is true preparation for life. To learn more about the long-term benefits of Montessori, visit us here in Lenox, MA!