Helping Children Deal with Fear

Meagan Ledendecker • March 16, 2020
Woman with upside down toddler

Every child feels fear from time to time. Whether it’s about a monster under the bed or thinking about a scary story a friend shared, it can be tricky as a parent to know how to help our children through those moments. This week we share our thoughts on fear and what we can do for our kids.


The science behind fear

Fear is one of the most primitive emotions we experience. Historically it served (and continues to serve) a vital function for survival. Fear is essentially what we feel when our brain perceives stimuli as dangerous.


A small part of our brain called the amygdala is where fear originates. Sensory information is sent here to be processed first. For example, if you were to smell smoke in a building or hear a growl behind you in the woods, your amygdala would be the first to know. Your focus would become heightened, you might feel a rush of adrenaline, and your heart would begin to beat faster as you decide what to do. This reaction is especially helpful for wild animals who are constantly faced with decisions that will affect their survival. It’s not always so helpful in humans who don’t have as many dangerous scenarios to contend with on a daily basis.


Luckily, humans are equipped with some highly-developed portions of the brain: the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex. These are the areas that allow us to think critically and analyze information in ways most organisms cannot. This is why some people enjoy scary movies, haunted houses, or other similar forms of entertainment. We are able to separate the physical response our amygdala sends with the reality we see before us. Unfortunately, there are times when our critical thinking doesn’t quite stand up to the job. Times of high stress are certainly one of these times, or when there are certain chemical imbalances in the body. Children, and especially young children, haven’t yet formed a solid basis to differentiate between reality and fantasy, so it can be very challenging for them to sort out which dangers are real and which ones are not.


Interestingly, our body’s physical reactions to fear are very similar to our physical reactions to excitement in positive situations. For example, in many ways you experience the thrill of riding a roller coaster in the same way you experience skidding in your car on an icy road. While on the roller coaster you might find yourself laughing. In your car, you'll likely feel yourself gripping the steering wheel and gritting your teeth. In both situations, though, your heart is pounding, your breathing quickens, and you’re not able to focus on anything else. Understanding this phenomenon can be helpful when we find ourselves feeling fearful about something we know doesn’t really present a true danger.


Explaining fear to children

Talking to your child about fear is a good idea, especially if it’s an emotion they’re experiencing frequently. How you explain it really depends on where they are developmentally. 


For the younger child, it can be helpful to tell them that fear is a normal part of being human. Acknowledge that it feels uncomfortable and emphasize that they are safe. Don’t minimize their fears, but gently help them explore the reality of the situation. A little snuggle time can go a long way.


As children get older, they might benefit from having you explain the science behind fear in a way they can understand. Again, we don’t want to minimize children’s fears, but we can certainly combine acknowledging fears with gentle questioning. “I know you are afraid of that scary movie you saw with Grandpa. Do you think that could happen to you?”


Consider saving these types of discussions for a time when your child is not in the midst of experiencing fear. Unless you already had a conversation you can refer back to in the moment, your child won’t be able to process new information when experiencing fear. Save the talk for later, when they are feeling calmer.


Practical tools that help

While we don’t necessarily want to discuss the science of fear while our child is in the midst of feeling afraid, there are things we can do to help them. Try these techniques:

 

  • Mountain Breath: Holding your hand in front of you, stretch out your fingers and point them up. Using one finger on the other hand as a pointer, begin on the outside edge of your pinky and trace upward. Stop at the tip of your finger, then begin to trace downward toward the valley between your pinky and ring fingers. Repeat this with your ring finger toward your middle finger, and so on for the rest. Each time your finger traces upward, breathe in while imagining that finger is climbing a mountain. At the fingertip, pause, hold your breath, and imagine you are looking around to enjoy the view. While you trace down the other side of your finger, let your breath out slowly as you envision yourself climbing down the mountain. Repeat 2-3 times.
  • 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise: This helps remind the brain that we are not actually in that scary place, but in this safe place right now. Begin by looking around and naming five things you see (wall, shirt, mom, hand, chair). Next, name four things you can touch, while touching them (fabric, wood, hair, skin). Lastly, name three things you hear (fan, breath, cat). The numbers two and one are meant to tap into our sense of smell and taste, which isn’t always practical in the moment and can be left out. But having a spritzer bottle or essential oils to smell can be very effective for shifting awareness.   
  • Meditation: Many types of meditation, especially when practiced regularly, can help ease our fears. If you’re interested in giving this strategy a try, look into body scan meditation (great for relaxation at bedtime!), loving-kindness meditation (for cultivating gratitude), and observation meditation (to see our fears more objectively). 


Accepting the fear

Perhaps unsurprisingly, one of the hardest ways to escape our fears is by trying to escape our fears. We can remind our children that feeling afraid is normal, and that it is okay to feel that way. We can notice the ways in which our body reacts to fear. We can pay attention to what kinds of situations make us feel afraid. We can try to learn more about ourselves. We can accept that fear is a part of our lives.


This goes for parents, too. We hate to see our children feeling badly. We instinctively want to make things better for them, but this is not always possible. We can listen, we can validate, we can teach, but beyond that we need to accept that fear is a normal part of growing up. And, as we know, it’s a normal part of being a grownup, too!

Our Montessori Bookshelf: Water Connects Us

By Meagan Ledendecker • February 27, 2026
Rivers are so important to our human story. They are sources of nourishment, transportation, and connection. We see how children are naturally drawn to water, and rivers offer a powerful way to understand ecology, interdependence, and our place within the natural world. With this in mind, we want to share some of our favorite books about water, rivers, and watersheds. Through story and illustration, children can trace the journey of a single drop of water, observe how land and water shape one another, and begin to understand how human choices affect the health of our planet. We’ve grouped the following collection of river and water-focused books by developmental stage. Each title offers language, beauty, and meaningful context for deeper exploration. Whether you are reading with a toddler, a younger elementary child, or an emerging researcher, these books invite wonder, responsibility, and reverence for one of Earth’s most essential elements. For the Youngest
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How Montessori Makes Long Division Make Sense

By Meagan Ledendecker • February 27, 2026
In Montessori classrooms, long division unfolds very differently, giving children a real sense of why it works instead of the confusing sequence of steps to memorize and repeat that many of us remember. Learn more in this post.
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The Power of Presence: How Adults Shape Learning in the Early Years

By Megan Ledendecker • February 27, 2026
For children in the first three years of life, adults are not simply caregivers or teachers. We are models of movement, language, emotional regulation, and relationships. Learn more in this post.
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Language Revealed: The Montessori Journey to Understanding Pronouns

By Meagan Ledendecker • February 27, 2026
In this blog post, learn more about how Montessori classrooms help children bring to consciousness language they already use every day by learning about how language functions and how meaning is carried when words stand in for each other.
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Sleep as a Skill: A Montessori Reflection for Baby Sleep Day

By Meagan Ledendecker • February 27, 2026
March 1 marks Baby Sleep Day, so we thought we’d take a moment to reflect on the alignment between Montessori philosophy and modern sleep science. In Montessori, we focus on independence as a path toward self-sufficiency. This is a gradual, mindful process of becoming capable. For our youngest children, this journey begins with mastery of the most fundamental human needs: eating, toileting, and sleeping. These areas matter deeply because they are ultimately under a child’s control. No one can make a child eat, use the toilet, or sleep. Our role, then, is not to force outcomes but to remove obstacles. As adults, we can provide thoughtful structure and support children as they develop the skills that build confidence and trust in their own bodies. Language Shapes Our Intentions In Montessori, our language reflects our values. For example, we don’t talk about “toilet training.” Instead, we focus on “toilet learning” because children are learning how to care for their bodies within the cultural norms. We are not training behavior. We are supporting development. The same is true for sleep. Rather than “sleep training,” Montessori invites us to think in terms of supporting independent sleep skills. We help children learn how to settle their bodies, self-soothe, and eventually fall asleep independently, all skills they will rely on for the rest of their lives. Why Sleep Matters So Much Research continues to affirm that sleep is foundational. Healthy sleep supports brain development and learning, emotional regulation, physical growth and immune function, and memory and attention. During sleep, children’s bodies perform essential functions, including muscle growth, tissue repair, protein synthesis, and the release of growth hormones. Deep sleep stages are when the most restorative processes occur. How Sleep Works  Two systems guide sleep: circadian rhythm and sleep pressure. Circadian rhythm is the body’s internal 24-hour clock, regulated by light and darkness. When it’s dark, the brain releases melatonin (the sleep hormone). When it’s light, melatonin decreases, and cortisol helps us wake. This is why darkness supports sleep, blue light from screens disrupts it, and consistent bedtimes matter. Newborns are not born with a mature circadian rhythm. It begins developing around six weeks and becomes more established around three months, which explains why early baby sleep can feel unpredictable. The other factor is sleep pressure. The longer we’re awake, the stronger the drive to sleep. This pressure builds during the day and resets after a long stretch of rest. When children miss their sleep window and become overtired, stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) kick in, creating that familiar “second wind.” Suddenly, a child who desperately needs sleep seems wired and alert. Understanding sleep pressure helps us time sleep before children tip into exhaustion. A Montessori Framework for Healthy Sleep To support both healthy attachment and independence, Montessori encourages clear, loving boundaries. Sleep is no different. We can focus on four key factors: a prepared sleep environment, predictable and respectful routines, healthy sleep associations, and limits with flexibility. A Prepared Sleep Environment Just as we prepare our Montessori classrooms, we want to be intentional about preparing our child’s sleep space at home. Key components include ensuring that the space is: Dark (blackout curtains help melatonin production) Quiet and calm Free of stimulating toys Slightly cool A good question to ask ourselves is: Would I easily fall asleep here? Predictable, Respectful Routines Children feel secure when they know what comes next. A simple home routine might include: The final feeding Putting on pajamas Toileting/diapering Tooth brushing A short story or song A hug and kiss goodnight Long baths or extended reading are best before the sleep window, not during it. Healthy Sleep Associations Children form associations with the conditions present when they fall asleep. If a child falls asleep being rocked, fed, or held, they will often need that same support during natural night wakings. Instead, we want to place a child in bed drowsy but awake, so they can practice falling asleep independently. Comfort objects, such as a small blanket or stuffed animal, can support this process. Limits with Flexibility Sleep needs change as children grow. Consistency matters, but we don’t want to be unnecessarily rigid. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that older children may test boundaries, delay routines, or negotiate endlessly. Calm, consistent follow-through reassures children that the structure is dependable. And just as importantly, adults need support, too! Holding limits is much harder when we are sleep-deprived, so self-care is essential. Why Independent Sleep Is an Act of Care Babies naturally cycle through light and deep sleep many times each night. When they wake briefly between cycles, a child who knows how to self-settle can drift back to sleep without distress. Independent sleep skills: Reduce frequent night wakings Support early morning sleep Improve mood and learning Protect parents’ well-being Plus, poor sleep in infancy is linked to challenges later in childhood, including difficulties with emotional regulation and health concerns. Supporting sleep early is preventative care. A Closing Thought for Baby Sleep Day Supporting sleep is not about forcing independence. It’s about preparing the conditions so independence can emerge naturally, with confidence and trust. If you’re navigating sleep challenges, please know this: you don’t have to do it alone. Sleep is learned, supported, and refined over time (just like every other human skill!). We want to honor sleep not as a struggle to overcome, but as a vital rhythm to protect, for both our children and ourselves. If you are interested in learning more, schedule a visit here in Lenox today!

The Most Important Montessori Practice You Rarely Hear About

By Meagan Ledendecker • February 23, 2026
One of the quieter, less visible practices in a Montessori elementary classroom is the Child-Guide conference. You may never see it listed on a schedule or mentioned in a weekly update, yet it plays a profound role in children’s experience at school. Relationship Comes First The primary purpose of these conferences is to establish, maintain, and strengthen the relationship between the adult and each child. This focus shifts the dynamic from a teacher looking for faults or scolding about unfinished work. Rather, it’s a collegial conversation that enables children to take an active and engaged role in their own education. These connective conversations are grounded in relationship-building because when children feel emotionally safe and genuinely respected, they are far more willing to reflect, stretch themselves, and take responsibility for their growth. Every Child, as Often as They Need Montessori Guides aim to meet regularly with every child, but what “regularly” looks like can vary based on individual needs. Some children benefit from a longer, more formal conference every few weeks. Others need brief, frequent check-ins, sometimes lasting only a minute or two. These short moments might look like a quick conversation at the beginning of the morning, a gentle pause beside a table, or a quiet walk across the room together. The length of the meeting is not what matters. What is important is the message it sends: “I see you. I know your work. I care about how this is going for you.” What Happens in a Child-Guide Conference? While conferences vary based on each individual and the moment, they often include: The child bringing their learning journal or work (finished and unfinished) The guide bringing observational records A shared look at what has been accomplished Gentle reflection on what still feels unfinished Planning for what might come next Scheduling new lessons or presentations Support with larger projects: breaking them into steps, mapping timelines, imagining the finished product This collaborative time also provides an opportunity to experiment with new strategies (“Would you like to try creating a prioritized list?”), celebrate successes (“You worked so hard on your presentation! How did it feel to share your work?”), and reflect upon challenges (“It seems like you’ve been feeling a bit stuck in your research project. Tell me more about what is going on.”). Learning to Define “Finished” One of the most freeing lessons children learn in Montessori is that not every piece of work must be finished to an adult’s standard. Sometimes children accomplish exactly what they set out to do, and continuing would add nothing meaningful. Other times, interest has naturally ended, and letting go is healthy. This is not about lowering expectations. It is about honoring children’s internal sense of completion and learning when to release what no longer serves a purpose. Trusting Children’s Self-Assessment A cornerstone of these conferences is trust. Guides listen carefully to how children assess their own work and articulate their goals. When an adult truly accepts children’s self-assessment, something powerful happens: children begin to see themselves as capable, thoughtful, and worthy of being taken seriously. Children often receive more from the tone and sentiment of these meetings than from the actual content discussed. The Whole Child Matters Because Montessori education is concerned with the whole child, conferences may naturally move beyond academics. A Guide might gently offer support with social dynamics or ask about recent struggles during outdoor time. These moments provide a safe space for children to reflect on their own social, emotional, and physical development, and to recognize that there is a network of support. When Relationships Need Repair Even in the most thoughtful classrooms, relationships can become strained. What matters is how adults respond. It is never too late for a Guide to sit with a child and say, honestly: “I’ve been thinking about how we’ve been interacting recently, and I’d love to brainstorm with you about what I could do differently.” When an adult takes responsibility, without demanding the child do the same, something shifts. Trust begins to rebuild. Real dialogue becomes possible. Children learn from this modeling. In time, after they feel safe, they often step forward to take responsibility themselves. What Children Are Really Learning Through these quiet, intentional meetings, children learn that:  their thoughts and feelings matter, adults can be trusted, mistakes are part of growth, reflection leads to independence, and relationships can be repaired. And while these conferences may happen quietly in a corner of the classroom, their impact echoes far beyond it. This is true preparation for life. To learn more about the long-term benefits of Montessori, visit us here in Lenox, MA!
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